What Is Communication?
We've previously explored why communication is vital to the quality of your relationships. We also delved into how lack of communication destroys relationships. In this article, you’ll get clear on what good communication is, what it isn’t, and actionable steps you can implement to help improve the quality of your communication in your relationships.
Contrary to popularly encouraged practice, communication is more than “saying what you gotta say” and “speaking your truth.” Communication is not a unilateral exchange, nor is it making demands and declarations. It is a dance, an art form; communicating with sincerity, grace, and precision is a skill.
Communication is the successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings. Notice there are conditions for each role to fulfill in the communication dynamic. A) the transmitter must have a reason to reach out, a message whose purpose is to be understood, and B) the receiver must be capable of interpreting and understanding the intended message for communication to be at play.
Communication consists of
A transmitter with a message to relay
A receiver capable of interpreting the message
Types of Communication
Understanding the nuanced strengths and weaknesses of the various kinds of communication is crucial to navigating the complexities of human relationships and nurturing meaningful connections.
Verbal Communication
Verbal communication refers to spoken words to convey messages, ideas, and information between individuals or groups. It involves exchanging information through spoken language, whether face-to-face, over the phone, or via video calls. Verbal communication includes tone of voice, intonation, and emphasis.
Nonverbal Communication
Nonverbal communication is the transmission of messages, feelings, and meanings through gestures, facial expressions, body language, and other nonverbal cues. It often complements verbal communication and can provide additional context and emotional cues. Nonverbal communication can include actions, postures, eye contact, hand gestures, and even the use of personal space.
Digital/ Virtual Communication
Digital or virtual communication refers to exchanging information using electronic/digital devices and online platforms such as email, direct messaging, social media, and video conferencing. Digital communication allows people to connect and interact remotely, overcoming physical barriers and enabling communication across different locations and time zones. It often relies on written language and incorporates verbal and nonverbal communication through video calls or emojis.
Common Communication Pitfalls
Relationships are dances where partners navigate various challenges and pitfalls. Among these are 1) a lack of active listening, 2) the dangerous game of assuming or mind reading, and 3) the destructive pattern of stonewalling. These pitfalls undermine even the strongest connections, leading to misunderstandings, resentment, and emotional distance. This exploration will delve into the consequences of these behaviors and discuss strategies to overcome them, ultimately fostering healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Lack of Active Listening:
The lack of active listening leads to misunderstandings, frustration, and feelings of being unheard or unimportant. It manifests in various ways, such as constantly interrupting, not paying attention, or dismissing the other person's thoughts and feelings.
Saraya & Daniel
Case Study: The Importance of Active Listening in Relationship Communication
Background:
Saraya and Daniel have been in a committed relationship for three years. They both have demanding jobs and often find themselves exhausted at the end of the day. Over time, their communication has deteriorated, leading to misunderstandings and increased tension.
Scenario:
One evening, Saraya arrives home after a particularly challenging day at work. She is visibly upset, hoping for some comfort and support from Daniel. She talks about her day, expresses her work frustrations, seeking validation. However, Daniel, preoccupied with his thoughts, failed to give her the attention she desired from him.
Instead of giving Saraya his undivided attention, Daniel nods halfheartedly, occasionally interjecting with generic responses like, "That sounds tough" or "I understand." His lack of engagement and genuine interest leaves Saraya feeling unheard and dismissed.
Consequences:
As the days pass, Saraya's frustration grows, and she begins withdrawing emotionally. She feels Daniel lacks interest in her concerns and that communication has become one-sided. This lack of active listening creates a communication gap, leading to misunderstandings and resentment.
Saraya starts confiding in her friends and family instead of Daniel, seeking the emotional support she craves. This further distances her from Daniel as he becomes increasingly unaware of her emotional state and the challenges she faces.
Resolution:
After acknowledging her emotions, and recognizing the strain on the relationship, Saraya decides to address the issue head-on. She expresses her feelings of being unheard and emphasizes her desire for a partner who listens actively, hears her words, and understands the emotions and intentions behind them.
Daniel, realizing his mistake, apologizes and commits to improving his listening skills. He engages with Saraya, asking thoughtful questions and providing meaningful responses. He is present and attentive, demonstrating his genuine interest in Saraya's thoughts and feelings.
As Daniel actively listens, Saraya feels validated and understood. Their communication improves, and they regain the emotional connection they had lost.
Assuming/ Mind Reading:
Assuming that the other person automatically understands your thoughts and feelings without explicitly expressing them creates confusion and misinterpretation, as each partner may have different expectations or assumptions about the relationship. Without clear communication, misunderstandings and conflicts can arise.
Jules & Imani
Case Study: The Consequences of Uncommunicated Needs in a Relationship
Background:
Jules and Imani have been together for three years. However, they have fallen into the habit of expecting the other person to anticipate and fulfill their needs without explicitly expressing them.
Scenario:
Imani comes home from work one evening feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. She expects Jules to notice her mood and offer support or help with household chores. However, Jules, preoccupied with their concerns, doesn’t recognize Imani's need for assistance.
Feeling disappointed and neglected, Imani withdraws emotionally and becomes distant. She starts to resent Jules for not understanding her needs and assumes she doesn't care about her well-being. Jules is unaware of Imani's expectations and feels confused by her sudden change in behavior.
Consequences:
The consequences of expecting the other person to assume their needs without communicating them began manifesting in Jules and Imani's relationship. Lack of clear communication leads to misunderstandings, unmet expectations, and emotional disconnection.
Imani's failure to communicate her needs leave her feeling unheard and unsupported. She begins to question the strength of their relationship and doubts Jules' ability to meet her emotional needs. Jules, on the other hand, feels frustrated and confused by Imani's sudden withdrawal, unable to understand the root cause of her discontent.
The trust and emotional connection between Jules and Imani erode as they become caught in a cycle of unmet expectations and assumptions, further straining their relationship.
Resolution:
Recognizing the detrimental impact of uncommunicated needs, Imani addresses the issue with
Jules. She explains how she had expected her to notice her mood and offer support without explicitly asking for it. Jules acknowledges her mistake and commits to improving their communication.
They agree to be more proactive in expressing their needs and actively listening to each other. They establish a safe and open environment for communication, where they can openly discuss their expectations and support each other in meeting those needs.
As they actively communicate their needs and listen empathetically, Jules and Imani begin to rebuild trust and strengthen their emotional connection. They learn to be more explicit while expressing their expectations, avoid assumptions, and actively support each other's well-being.
Stonewalling or Silent Treatment:
Stonewalling refers to a communication pattern where one partner withdraws from the conversation, refusing to engage or respond to the other person. This is a form of emotional shutdown and leaves the other partner feeling ignored, invalidated, and frustrated. The silent treatment can create a toxic environment and hinder conflict resolution.
Brandon & Lisbeth
Case Study: The Impact of Stonewalling on Relationship Communication
Background:
Lisbeth and Brandon have been together for 8 years and pride themselves on their open and honest communication. However, over time, they began to face challenges that led to a breakdown in their ability to communicate and understand each other's perspectives.
Scenario:
One evening, during a heated argument about finances, Brandon expresses his concerns about their mounting debt and suggests making changes to their spending habits. Feeling overwhelmed and defensive, Lisbeth resorts to stonewalling as a defense mechanism.
Rather than engaging in the conversation, Lisbeth shuts down emotionally and withdraws physically from the interaction. She avoids eye contact, gives short, dismissive answers, and refuses to participate in the discussion. Brandon, feeling shut out and unheard, becomes increasingly frustrated and hurt by Lisbeth's stonewalling behavior.
Consequences:
As stonewalling becomes a recurring pattern in their communication, the consequences manifest in their relationship. Brandon feels rejected, unimportant, and unable to express his concerns effectively. The lack of resolution and emotional disconnection only exacerbate the issues they face.
Brandon’s frustration turns into resentment, and he starts distancing himself emotionally from Lisbeth. She begins to question the strength of their bond and doubts whether their relationship can survive without open and honest communication. The breakdown in communication due to stonewalling creates a growing divide between them.
Resolution:
Brandon decides to address the issue with Lisbeth. He explains how her stonewalling behavior makes him feel unheard, disrespected, and disconnected. He emphasizes the importance of active engagement and open communication to resolve conflicts.
Upon realizing the impact of her stonewalling behavior, Lisbeth acknowledges her mistake and commits to making changes. She agrees to actively participate in conversations, listen attentively, and express her thoughts and emotions more openly. Together, they establish a safe and supportive environment for communication.
Lisbeth actively engages in conversations and avoids stonewalling, allowing Brandon to feel validated and understood. They work together to find constructive solutions to their challenges and rebuild their emotional connection. Addressing the issue, helped them to create a healthier communication dynamic that strengthened their relationship.
How to Achieve Effective Communication
These case studies emphasize the importance of actively engaging in conversations, listening attentively, and expressing emotions openly. They highlight the consequences of expecting the other person to assume the needs of their significant other without clear communication. By addressing issues head-on with empathy, couples can rebuild trust, improve understanding, and create a stronger foundation for their relationship.
Effective communication is essential to healthy conflict resolution and deepening intimacy in a relationship. Here are four steps to consider if you want to improve communication.
Listen Actively:
Take the time to take your partner in without interrupting or jumping to conclusions.
Listen to your partner’s words, thoughts, and feelings; observe their tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. Seek to fully understand their perspective and intent before responding.
Openly and Honestly:
Express your thoughts and feelings calmly and respectfully. Use "I" statements to avoid blaming or accusing your partner, and focus on expressing your needs and desires clearly.
Seek Understanding:
Take the time to ask questions and seek clarification when needed. Avoid assumptions and mind reading, as they lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. Instead, strive to gain a deeper understanding of your partner's point of view.
Collaborative Problem-Solving:
Approach conflicts as opportunities for growth and resolution. Work with your partner to find mutually beneficial solutions, compromising when necessary. Remember that healthy conflict resolution involves finding win-win outcomes that honor both individuals' needs and values.
Incorporating these steps into your communication practices can transform your relationships, forge deeper connections, resolve conflicts constructively, and nurture a foundation of trust and understanding.
If you want personalized guidance on enhancing your communication skills and strengthening your relationships, book a consultation with an expert personal relationship coach at Journey to Eden. Our coaching sessions empower you with the tools and insights to navigate communication challenges, deepen intimacy, and cultivate lasting connections. Take the first step towards transformative communication and thriving relationships.
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